dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Randomize