well I can't set my house on fire every night
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
How external is "for external use only"?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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