I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
