this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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