It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
