It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Randomize
