He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
