I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
