I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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