She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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