Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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