remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
