is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
