Umm I'm too high to move.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
