im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
