Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
love makes seman taste better
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Randomize
