If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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