I molested 6 butterflies tonight
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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