Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
