he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
What drink are we having for lunch?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
