Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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