Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
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