Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize