How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
