im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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