I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
