I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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