Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
