Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
