i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
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