i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
