YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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