Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
