They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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