he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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