i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
All the doctor said was why
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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