someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
