I think I died a long time ago.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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