They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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