You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
