So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
