apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize