I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
