Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
