Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
