Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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