just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize