She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
