it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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