dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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