Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
