did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
