I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
