Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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