I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
