Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
