I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
