I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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