Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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