Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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