I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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