please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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