Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
