i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize