guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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